Kolade Roberts has the distinction of presiding over scores of marriages, where he was the chairman of the events.
Obviously, a man of great experience in marital issues, BEATS asked him to share his thoughts on the late Osinachi Nwachukwu saga.
Below are his thoughts:
Social media went abuzz with the news of the untimely death of Osinachi Nwachukwu, a popular gospel artiste in Nigeria. The news was sketchy. No one seemed to know for sure the cause of her death. Was it throat cancer or domestic violence?
As the debate raged, many persons came out with different encounters they had with the lady and the cloak of fear of her husband. One thing was common in all the posts. Her husband, Peter Nwachukwu, was a domestic terrorist who tormented his wife and children physically and psychologically.
What was baffling was how so many people from different places gave the same perception of this marriage. What was of concern was why they all kept silent because of the deceased preferred secrecy. What was incomprehensible was why did they speak up at the point she died – was it to clear their consciences, is it to seek justice or revenge?
Soon the discussion had grown beyond Osinachi. The National Human Rights Commission came out to declare that it received over 1.7million complaints about gender-based violence in 2021. From various quarters, there are calls to speak up and walk away from violent partners and marriages. The debate had quickly become religious with the question of violence and the legitimization of divorce by the Church. Everyone has an opinion and this is a good thing as the issues touch the very core of our culture – marriage, tradition, and religion.
The snowballing effect of Osinachi’s death means that we may be approaching a turning point – a cultural and religious turning point with the potential to redefine our entire societal existence as far as the family and marriage is concerned. It may even go beyond this. The Federal Ministry of Women Affairs invited itself into the fray. This may set the precedence for other governmental bodies leaving the principle of “coming to the law” for justice and letting the law go out there and enforce justice.
Today, there are calls in certain quarters that the Letters of Apostle Paul in the Bible were not addressed to Africans and so his teachings on divorce and family cannot be binding on Nigerian families. Funny as this may sound, it shows that society is now questioning the very foundations and institutions that for so long have been taken for granted.
The democratization of information through social media means no cleric, no matter how powerful; no religious denomination, no matter how popular, and no government parastatal/agency, no matter how influential can own or dictate the narrative and the change. As I will love to put it, the church will have its say, but the people will have their way.
This is the very reason why all men and women of conscience must lend a voice – the voice of wisdom to the ongoing discussion.
CULTURE
Why does violence thrive in marriages? The simple answer is “because our culture permits it”. The value of life is next to nothing in our society. The life of a Nigerian does not mean much to the Nigerian government – leaders and law enforcement agencies. Whoever has the upper hand uses violence to keep others in subjection. We cry against it in marriages but the truth is, it will not go away until the larger cultural milieu on power and control emphasizes non-violent engagements.
When a man has a side chic it is normal. He is only showing his manliness. When a woman has a side-boo, she must be stoned. She is a disgrace. A society that is steeped in inequity cannot expect fairness in any sphere.
Culturally, we raise the boy-child to be bullish, flirtatious, and adventurous. We showcase violence as a sign of manliness. We celebrate the touts as brave and ridicule gentility as weakness. We celebrate the rule of might and disregard the rule of law and justice. As it is in the political space, so it is in the family space. To cry against it in the family and be silent or indulge in politics is barefaced hypocrisy. Nothing will change.
UNEQUALLY YOKED MARRIAGES
It is a fundamental – but often misinterpreted – principle in Christian marriages that partners should be equally yoked. Often churches/families interpret this to mean marrying from the same culture or economic or religious background. It can even be narrowed to marrying from the same denomination. To some extent, these may have their advantages. But being equally yoked in marriage goes way beyond all these.
There is the yoke of intellectualism. Couples must be very close to each other in their mindsets, and worldviews or they will continually live in friction.
The yoke of purpose. In nearly every marriage where there is a dissatisfied partner, the root cause is usually drilled down to divergent purposes. One person has to kill his or her dream for the other to be successful. This is not only ridiculous, it is the recipe for disaster. Any human being who cannot fulfill his/her purpose will always be unhappy. Marriage should help both partners reach their full potential.
Until you are clear about your purpose in life, you have no business looking for a life partner. If your partner’s purpose does not interface with yours in a way, then you are in an unequally yoked marriage.
RELIGION VS THE BIBLE
What does the bible really say about divorce? Jesus taught that divorce is only permissible in a case of sexual infidelity by any partner. He pushed it further by saying, “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”
The questions to ponder here: Was the marriage put together by God, by parents, by the church or by mistake? That marriage was conducted by a Church does not necessarily mean it was God-ordained or God-approved. How do I know if it is a God-approved marriage? Check if they are equally yoked.
What then? Should spouses just up and walk away because of violence at home? That is certainly the route to a chaotic living and society. It is the easiest way to unravel the African society. Please note that in the Western climes where divorce has been shown to be on the rise, the counterbalance of rule of law still holds the society together. We cannot stupidly toe that path.
Apostle Paul broadened the scope further in 1 Corinthians 7 when he brought in the concept of religious differences and spousal consent. He taught that if any of the spouses wants to walk out of the relationship, the Born Again Believer should not stop him or her:
But if the husband or wife who isn’t a Christian is eager to leave, it is permitted. In such cases, the Christian husband or wife should not insist that the other stay, for God wants his children to live in peace and harmony. 1 Corinthians 7:15 (TLB).
In the earlier teaching by Jesus, he was not addressing the threat to life, which seems to be a part of Paul’s concern with his reference to living in peace and harmony.
Note that at every point when the life of Jesus was threatened, he escaped to safety. He came to die, so death was not his fear. He had to die at the right place for the right cause. This is a vital lesson for all of us. What are you really going to die for? What will be the purpose of your death?
SPEAK OUT
Most couples who today experience domestic violence started out as lovers. When things start to break up, you must be bold enough to speak out. Search for help. Counselors and colleagues should also be bold enough to bring the issue into the open. Evil thrives in darkness. What would have happened if all the people that knew about Osinachi’s ordeal had spoken out earlier? What would have happened if the man was made to sign an undertaken with the police?
Perhaps, Osinachi warned us but we did not hear it. She sang, “The cry you will cry when the saints are gone, cry it now!” As a popular Pidgin English adage says, “before you separate fight, first separate quarrel.”
Perhaps if we had separated the quarrel, we would not be crying now that the saint has gone!
Watch out for BEATS’ interview with Kolade Roberts on marriage.
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